We have all been there. Someone hurts you in some way and then refuses to acknowledge that they did. The question I have for you, is how much is their apology truly worth? Does it mean you are unable to move forward in life without one? Does their apology hold the power to free you from a perpetual state of pain and anger? Sometimes they just go on with their lives. They forget they ever hurt in the first place. While you sit and wait. Frozen in time.

What if I told you that you do not necessarily need an apology every time someone hurts you? While it would be nice, since the apology would be them recognizing that their actions caused someone pain. However if they choose not to face it or learn from their mistakes, is it right that you should continue to carry that pain with you, becoming stagnated? How can you move forward without an apology? When in the type of pain caused by someone’s carelessness or outright viciousness, the only way forward is to learn something from it ourselves. Face it alone and with the personal kindness towards ourselves required to begin the healing process.

While for many, it is certainly easier said than done. Wounds so deep no words in a single article could heal them. Pain as deep as that requires far more care and time. With a good dose of kindness and patience, sometimes found in therapy and surrounding yourself with the right people. I have always stated I do not know all the answers, and this is one of those topics that requires honest thought and the willingness to heal. At this point you may ask, why wouldn’t someone want to heal? Sometimes when people are in such pain they cannot see a way through it. Therefore no way could ever exist. You’ve heard me say that perspective is everything, and this is another example. One must be willing to see a way through the pain, in order for the door to materialize.

Choosing to heal, is as important as receiving an apology. While you cannot force someone to apologize, you can choose to heal from it anyway. That is a mental choice. It is another one of those “what you tell yourself, you begin to believe.” Situations.

Even if you may not believe it right away, telling yourself each day that “I choose to heal. I will not be a victim any longer.” That sentence holds more power than we care to admit. However it does not stop there. You must choose in your soul that you want to believe it. Let go of any thoughts of ‘If I didn’t go there.” “I should never have trusted that person!” Or “How could they do that to me?!”. Replaying the event over and over with different possibilities on how you wish it could have happened. All of those things do nothing but bring forward the anger and frustration within ourselves. When our minds are racing it is difficult to center our thought patterns with so much noise.

Rather than going through events with a mind of changing or altogether avoiding pain, one must first face it. Think instead “yes this did happen to me, but I will never allow it to happen again.” Take the responsibility for your future growth. That you will know better than to trust that person, go to that place, or be in that situation again. If the situation were to ever arise again, (because let’s face it, we have no control over what may happen to us in the future). Will we be strong enough to leave, handle it with wisdom or find the strength to make a stand? Sometimes we may even feel shame that we allowed it to happen in the first place and blame ourselves. Even when it’s not our fault.

Try to face that you didn’t know that was going to happen, or that you didn’t have the wisdom and strength to make a stand. That it is okay to learn and grow from pain. Face yourself and actively choose to forgive yourself. Showing patience and kindness to yourself first can go a long way towards healing. Then promise to yourself that you won’t allow it to happen again. That you will learn over time how to ensure it does not.

Once you make the decision to learn and adapt from the situation, the next step is learning how to apply it into reality. Naturally, every situation is unique so one must apply practical wisdom when facing their own unique situation. There are a multitude of answers depending on that situation. One thing that helps is writing down the details of what happened. Try to keep it impassive so you can see what really happened without clouding your own judgement. Then look at it again as though you are a third person. What would be the best way to handle this situation if it were to occur again in the future? What skills or wisdom would one need to better handle this? Is this person you are dealing with truly a good friend to have?

In some instances the answer will be clear, and then write down what you will need to prepare and learn. This will help you grow stronger and wiser. To not be fooled again. Providing you with the inner strength and wisdom to face it in the future with more prudence than ever before.

Other times, it is taking a serious look at the other person. Sometimes, people hurt others because they themselves are hurting. Perhaps the wisdom to learn in this instance is knowing when not to take something personally. Although it may certainly feel like a personal attack, is that the honest truth? Or is the other person dealing with difficulties that cause them to lash out on people? While some do enjoy the pain they inflict, many may not have any control and didn’t mean to cause pain but are too proud or ashamed to admit they shouldn’t have said that.

This is likely the hardest part. Knowing the difference between when to let something go, and when to make a stand. When a stranger at a bar says something rude to you, chances are that you won’t take it personally. That person doesn’t know the first thing about you anyway. In which case, it is likely wiser to walk away and let it go. Especially if it is someone just looking for a fight.

However, if a friend or family member says the same thing to you, you could carefully and clearly state: “You are being disrespectful, and crossing a boundary right now.” Keeping it short and clear makes it very obvious. You needn’t necessarily respond directly to their statement, simply that it is crossing a boundary. This indicates to them that you do have boundaries. This is nothing to be scared of nor ashamed of.

Everyone has boundaries and when we have friends or family it is respectful to honor those boundaries. If they continue to cross the boundary clearly set by you then you will need to think of a way to handle that. Perhaps you may need to enforce some kind of consequence, such as: “if you continue to overstep this boundary then I will have to ask you to leave.”. Or some other form of consequence depending on the situation. Whatever you do state however, you must be prepared to follow through with it. When you respond in a concise manner it gets the point across clearly enough that they cannot manipulate the situation in their favor. Moments like these can be crucial to the way people continue to treat you in the future. It sets the boundary on what you are willing to put up with.

When someone continues to cross the boundary, but you do nothing about it and keep letting it go for fear of creating problems or dissent, then after a while it is actually your own responsibility. It is important to set your boundaries clearly so others know how to treat you. It is also important to learn when someone has that little respect for you, are they worthy of continuing to be in your life? If you have no choice on that matter, then you can try to cut them off as much as you can from your personal life. Stating very clearly: “Since you refuse to respect my boundaries then I have nothing more to say until you choose to acknowledge them.”

If someone who is usually quite respectful disrespects you, then that is the moment to think about their situation. Perhaps a friend snaps at you out of character, then they could be going through something right now. In which case, you could say something like “You don’t normally treat me this way, are you okay? Is something going on right now for you to say that to me?”. Open, healthy communication and patience is key in these situations.

In every instance it is important to be honest with yourself about what you are willing to put up with. What type of person you want to be, especially during difficult situations. It is important to think ahead and equip yourself as well as you can with various tools to be able to stand up for yourself. Not only that, but to develop the strength of character to move forward even after someone hurts you with no intention of apologizing.

At the end of the day, you can choose to forgive someone not for them. Not for the sake of proving you were right, but simply so that you can move forward with your life. Forgiveness is for yourself. Learning from the pain is also for yourself. These things do not require the giving of an apology, but rather acceptance from your soul. To accept that it did happen. To embrace that next time you will have a better understanding of how to handle that situation in the future. To learn when it is time to continue your journey without that person. You can forgive someone, without forgetting what they did.

For example, you can forgive the bully in high school, without becoming friends with them nor excusing their behavior. Bullying is never okay, however for you to move on fully you must accept that you were bullied. Learn how to deal with different types of bullies. Perhaps you could even learn self defense. Choose to grow stronger from adversity, and you will become empowered enough even to help protect others. You can develop the wisdom to understand why people bully others. Understand that their anger and hatred towards you actually has very little to do with you in the first place. The awful way they treat people could be a coping mechanism for the pain they themselves are experiencing.

If communicating clearly and humbly does nothing to warrant an honorable and respectful resolution, then there is nothing wrong with actively choosing to move forward without that person. Or to move forward with a more clear understanding of where you stand with that person. At all times it is essential to always check yourself and if you truly have nothing to apologize for, then learn what you can from the situation. Use every situation as an opportunity to learn, grow and become a better person yourself. Allowing yourself to continue with a victimized outlook will only lead you to more pain, and you will never truly be able to move forward from it. Chances are you may never get the closure or justification you think you need to move forward. The only option then is to work on your perspective of the situation.

Glean what lessons you can from it, accept that it did happen and grow stronger so it never happens again. Learn to respect your soul and give your own soul the love and protection it needed. You are stronger and more capable than you could ever dream even despite the pain you have been through, the difference is asking yourself if you are you willing to stand back up again? Are you willing to put in the effort required to become stronger and wiser? If the answer is yes, then you have already overcome the hardest part and you’re already half way there. If the answer is no, you are likely feeling stuck in place and are not ready to stand yet. That is okay as well.

Everyone is on their own journey, their own path. Some choose to never move forward. Some choose to continue getting up again and again, no matter how many times they are pushed to the ground. Either way, it must be a choice within your very soul. If your soul is too tired, then you can learn to revitalize it. The body is connected to the soul after all. Things like sunlight, personal care, good healthy food and going for walks can help revitalize a tired soul. When you are in that darkness, you must push your hardest to take the smallest steps. Gradually become stronger each and every day. No matter how slow that pace may be at first. Go at your own pace. But always move forward.

I hope this article helps you, Dear Reader. Remember to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and continue to learn and grow each and every day. Never forget that you are stronger than you think. Us humans are capable of some seriously incredible feats, if only we decide in our souls that we can. You can heal. You can grow. You begin by deciding you can. Until next time, Dear Reader.